I have found the perfect food!
Tasty Bite, delicious portions of indian food packaged in amazing space-technology pouches.
This stuff is so cool -- you can leave it in your pantry for up to 18 MONTHS, and it's fine. Whenever you want to eat it, just cut open the pouch, pour the perfectly moist and normal looking food into a bowl, and microwave it for 2 minutes.
This food seriously seems like it was made for me -- yummy indian food that takes no time to make and keeps forever! I shall never cook again! It works because they totally sterilize the food after putting it in the pouch. I really hope they don't discover later down the line that this stuff causes cancer or something (after i eat my way through boxes of it).
I'm going to buy up a bunch of boxes on amazon. If you like Indian food, you'll like Tasty Bite. It is a bit spicy, but they're mainly vegetarian and even vegan! and there are thai options!